I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
