i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
