Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
