hotel room ftw
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
