I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
