meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Randomize
