Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
