I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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