A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
