I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
