My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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