I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
