dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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