I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
