I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
