Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
