What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
we're so committed to being not committed
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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