Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
