even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
