The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
