can we get nightvision for the apartment?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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