if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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