I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
