i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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