her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
