this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
