you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
