I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
