i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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