you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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