i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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