What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
