I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
