I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
