If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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