idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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