Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
