Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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