Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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