Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
