I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
