if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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