I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
