2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
