My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
