I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
