dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
