i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
