She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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