I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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