Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
