I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
