oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If I die, sorry about rent.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
