There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
