My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
